Unachieved Goals

 "Unachieved goals don't have to result in unused gifts." -Cameron Hanes Endure

It makes me laugh to think I copied down the above quote 7/3/2022 when I had the idea to write this post.  Then, I left it unfinished.  Seems ironic.

There are many goals I have had in my life that have been left unachieved.  Some of the less significant ones include losing X amount of weight, making X amount of money in a given summer.  The more significant include giving up on becoming a neurosurgeon before even finishing my undergraduate, leaving grad school after a single day, and saving up to buy a house while I was still single.

Some lessons have been learned along the way.  Some gifts have likely been unused as of yet.  I wonder what might have been.  I wonder where my life might have taken me.  I wonder where things went wrong and why.

Let me be clear:

I love my wife and I love my daughter.  I am thrilled/excited/proud to be welcoming a son in the coming weeks.  I would not give up any one of them to be "more successful" in my career or some alternate reality.

Maybe...

Perhaps along the way, if I had continued on and not given up on medicine, I would have met my wife earlier in life.  Maybe I would have applied and been accepted to UC San Diego Med School and we would have met in some other way.  We may have started our family when we were 22 or 23.  Our little girl would be 15 instead of 5 and our son would be 10.  

How many more children might we have had?  Would I have been able to do more good in the world?  How would things be different?

Reality Check

The reality is I chose a different path.  Every choice led me to the place I am today.  I thank God every day (except those when I forget to pray) I have the life and family I do.  I have a job which allows us to have the necessities of life and many of the things we want.  We are working towards getting into a house and providing a better life for the little ones.

I didn't achieve my goal of become a neurosurgeon and affecting people for the better.  However, my ability, my gifts, they don't go unused.  I have made many friends over the past 16 years and I believe I have had a positive influence over many.  I believe I have helped to relieve some of the suffering in this world.

I wanted to be a dad at an earlier age in life.  However, instead of wasting innate abilities I was able to channel my care to my nieces and nephews.  I attended as many events as possible.  I sacrificed some of the other things I may have done to enjoy time visiting family and friends.  My gifts did not go unused.

What now?

So, what does this mean for me now?  What am I to do?  Do I try to achieve some of my unmet goals?  Do I pursue some of the dreams of yesteryear?  Do I forge ahead and simply design a new future?  I don't have to be a doctor to heal.  I don't have to dwell in a house to really live.

Lately, I have been really striving to live.  Exercising in the gym every morning (Mon-Fri) is now just a part of who I am.  It is not simply something I do but it is the start of my day.  I have been experimenting with different foods and eating structures to get healthy.

Grind it Out

Getting healthy and losing weight is not a simple process.  It is not something that happens overnight.  I have striven for 8+ months to be someone who is healthy.  I've had my missteps, I have had my successes, I have been tired beyond belief and I have had energy to burn (like tonight when I can't fall asleep so I get up to write).

I have had some recent success in the weight loss department.  I know that losing the weight is merely a byproduct of changing who I am.  I am fortunate to have had a few events line up and the timing helped push me over a hump.

Back in May, I weighed in at 363 lbs.  I had been exercising 4-5 times a week the entire year.  I got a little discouraged and allowed myself to slip during the month of May.  I went to the gym maybe 4 times the entire month.  I don't think much changed regarding my weight from the start of the year until June 8.

I received a text offering me a significant financial incentive (I believe I wrote about this in another post) to lose 110 lbs.  A few days later I went on a campout with the youth from my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints).  That offer + the campout awakened something inside of me that had laid dormant for years.

I started walking more and spending more time outside.  I had a renewed sense of purpose when I arrived at the gym every morning.  I no longer dreaded the workout but looked forward to it.  I started doing 25 minutes in the sauna after each workout.  I started hiking again and even went on a few bike rides.  I have even jogged to and from the gym a few times.

I made a decision to eat what I needed for my body.  I would make the decisions about what I would eat and not simply eat because it's what the family was eating.  I began eating a ketogenic diet.  After about 2 weeks, I incorporated fasting.  Sometimes the fasting has been intermittent, other times prolonged.  I sit in the middle of a prolonged fast right now with too much energy to sleep.

I have noticed how refined carbs make my body feel.  I get extremely sluggish within about 30 minutes of eating cereal, donuts, rice, or other carbs.  I ate some pizza, ice cream, and some Mike & Ikes last Friday night.  I got up Saturday morning to hike with my in-laws and the hike was much more difficult.  I had less energy and most of the joints in my body ached.

I have a better sense of what my body wants me to eat.  Am I still going to enjoy a donut every now and again, damn right!  Am I still going to enjoy pizza?  Let me just say, pizza is a food I will never give up.  Doc might say I pizza is off-limits...I'd rather die.

Where was I headed with this?  Yes, I started June 8 at 361 lbs.  I weighed in this evening at 329.  I haven't seen the 320s in years (probably 10 years).  I flirted with it right before I met my wife and got married but never quite got there.  

I am competing in the Las Vegas Triathlon (if Lake Mead isn't completely dried up) October 1.  My goal was to get down to 319.  That's only 10 lbs now.  I have 2+ months to get at it.  If I have another month and a half like I just had...I will be under 300 lbs.

Regardless, I'm going to keep cracking and keep grinding.  Losing 32 lbs is good but it isn't the overall goal.  I want to be healthy.  I want to live long enough to see my kids have kids.  I want to LIVE my life and enjoy my kids and grandkids.  I don't want to be listless and lethargic.  I will be full of vim and vigor.

I'm Brian, dammit!  Time to sleep so I can kick ass tomorrow.