The Beast Inside

I was still listening to Goggins on Joe Rogan today.  He kept talking about doing something every day that you don't want to do.

I got my daughter tucked into bed and started picking up around the house.  I was listening and occasionally watching game 5 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs between the Avalanche and the Lightning.

The thought of doing something hard before the end of the day kept coming back to my mind.  I didn't really think about what I might do.  Then, the thought to do 100 pushups came and I thought, "yeah, I could do that.  I don't want to but I could handle that."

Remember, I'm 350+ lbs.  I thought 100 should be fairly easy.  I'll just do them in sets.  As I finished picking up, my mind told me, "It would be better to just go to sleep and get a good night's rest."  DAMN!  That was way to quick and easy for my brain to start giving in to laziness and comfort.

Curl up in bed, fall asleep to a show, and wake up tomorrow morning.

However, I said some choice words to my brain!  I picked up Cam Hanes' book Endure and told myself I would bang out some pushups, then read, pushups, then read, pushups...you get where I'm going.

I think I'm in chapter 7 or 8.  Hanes recounts his story of the Boston Marathon and running alongside (and beating) Lance Armstrong.  Greatest astronaut endurance athlete of our day. (Side note: that astronaut joke never gets old for me)

I committed to doing at least 10 to start with.  I pushed and got to 13.  Maybe that sounds easy to other people but in that moment, it was all I could do.  My shoulders hurt, my wrists hurt, and my arms and chest started to give out.  I'm sure my form sucked but I'm not competing against anyone else.

I sat back in our comfy green reading chair, breathing heavily.  I read about people throwing proverbial stones at Cam asking why he does what he does.  Why does he run marathons and ultramarathons in preparation for hunting?  My question is, "who cares?"  Any person who chooses to push through the hard stuff, the mind telling you to quit...they've got my respect.

Too many times in my life I have listened to that voice.  I've given in to quitting.  That can't be me anymore.  That won't be me anymore.

I got back on the ground.  Fifteen more.  Nice...I'm now at 28.  I'm already starting to sweat. I can feel my skin becoming tacky all over.  I start to question if I'm really going to do what I set out to do. I read and got back on the ground.

I knockout another 10.  I drop to my knees and hear myself think...that's good enough for now.  "Come on, man.  Push yourself for 3 more."  I do it.  Now, I'm at 41.  I'm not halfway but I'm now within striking distance of 50%.  I read on...dammit if Cam Hanes didn't just beat Lance Armstrong.  Good work, man.

I'm back on the floor...starting to psych myself up for another set of at least 10.  I notice that there's this beast coming out from within.  He's starting to cheer me on.  "Come on, LFG."  10 more, now I'm at 51.  Sweat is now pouring down my face.

I read until my breathing and heartrate come back toward normal.  I get down. "You got this, dude!"  I struggle.  I can feel pressure and pain in my wrist.  My shoulders feel weak.  I hit ten and keep on going.  11, 12, 13, 14, 15.  I'm done with that set.  FIFTEEN.  I'm now sitting at 66.  "Holy shit man, that's 2/3 of the way."

The next time I get down, I can feel tightness in my back.  My abs are also doing more work than they've done in a long time.  I'm only able to get through 10 this time.  I understand not each set will be great but I'm pushing myself each time.  76!

Breathe...you can do this.  As I read, my brain is calculating the math...2 more sets of 12.  The beast inside is starting to holler.  This beast has a little more colorful language than I'll use so, to paraphrase, he says, "You got this."   I'm geared up for another double-digit set.  Down, up, down up...I get to 12 and feel I've got some left to give.  I want to drop but I push.  Another 15, now I'm less than 10 pushups away from 100.  91!

By this time, I've read the "end of the chapter" bit about haters talking smack on Cam Hanes and how he welcomes it.  He thanks them because it fuels him.  Bring it on, he says, and thank you!

My back feels like garbage, my shoulders are going to explode, and I'm pretty sure I have needles in my wrists.  I set my hands...two forceful breaths.  "You got this...GO!"

At 98 I can feel my arms giving out.  99, 100!  "I did it."  If I stop now, this last set will be the only set I don't reach double-digits.  My mind says that's okay, I'm at a hundred.  But I need to drop and rise one last time for 10.  I do it and I hear that voice again, "Hell yeah, man!  Way to go!"

I hate pushups but damn that felt good!  I can go to bed comfortably tonight.